God’s Design
for Marriage
Matthew 19:1-9; Genesis 2:18-27
©Copyright February 14, 2010 by Rev. Bruce Goettsche
Since today is Valentine’s Day we thought we would take a week off from our systematic study and use this time to encourage people in their love relationships . . . especially in their marriage relationships.
This is an especially important topic because marriage is under fierce attack today. This attack is coming from different fronts.
1. The pleasure obsessed culture. The drug of choice for our society is pleasure. Whenever we feel down or sluggish we look for some kind of pleasure to dull our emptiness. We may find this pleasure through buying things, eating foods, or ingesting some substance. We may also look for pleasure from “recreational sex” (which is when we revert to the animal nature) or adultery. Any of these pleasures can undermine a marriage.
This is the society in which we live. All of these things are like artillery shells being lobbed at your marriage and mine. They might not have a “direct hit” on your household but the artillery is getting closer and closer. If Godly marriages are to survive we must strengthen our defenses. One of the ways of doing that is to get a clear view of what God desires marriage to be. When Jesus was asked about marriage by the Pharisees (in Matthew 19) He referred back to the first book of the Bible, the book of Genesis.
God’s Design
In Matthew 19 we are told,
3 Some Pharisees came to him to
test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and
every reason?”
4 “Haven’t you read,” he
replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5
and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be
united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they
are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not
separate.” (19:3-6)
When the Pharisees asked Jesus to address the controversial question of divorce (it was just as controversial then as now) Jesus turned to God’s design for marriage. Jesus is quoting the book of Genesis and the creation of Eve.
If you remember the story, Adam was presented with all the animals of creation but did not find a suitable helper. Then, God made woman out of Adam’s rib and “presented her to Adam and Adam was elated.
The story of the first man and woman tell us several things. First, we learn that God designed man with the desire to connect with others. God said, “It was not good for him to be alone.” Second, we learn that even though the animal world provides us a great deal of enjoyment, animals cannot fulfill our deepest need to connect. Third, God made men and woman to uniquely meet this need in each other. In the New Testament Paul tells us that God has given to some the gift of singleness. There is no sin in being single. There are times when singleness is an advantage. However, God designed men and women (for the most part) to be together.
God did not make men and women exactly the same. We
are different physically and emotionally. We even think differently in many
areas. We often complain and are frustrated by these differences. So why did
God do this? I can think of at least three reasons:
1. To draw our interest. These differences create a magnetic attraction
between us. We are drawn to each other because the differences seem to fill in
gaps in our own lives.
2. To enrich or expand us . . . the differences between us help us to see
beyond ourselves. In a very real way the differences are essential to love. It
is easy to love someone who mirrors us. We are already quite skilled at loving
ourselves. The love God wants us to know is found by learning to love someone
who is different from us.
3. To help us understand better the character of God. Emerson Eggerichs says
men are blue, women are pink, but God is purple! Men and women are different
but together they better reflect the true nature of God.
The
Requirements for a Strong Marriage
Moses, speaking by the Spirit of God gave us this statement
of God’s design for marriage. It is a statement which Jesus confirms,
24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to
his wife, and they will become one flesh.
A Godly marriage involves a man and a woman doing two
things: We leave our parents and then we unite “or cleave” to our mate. Both
are significant.
Leave
Some have drawn unfortunate conclusions from the
statement, “a man will leave his father and mother.” Some conclude that men are
to leave their family ties but the woman remains firmly tied and under the
primary influence of her family. To think this way sadly misses the point. For
marriage to work both the man and the woman must “leave” and “be joined”.
Another erroneous conclusion is that we should have
no further contact with our family. We should still honor, respect, love and
show consideration for our parents and siblings. However, when we get married
our priorities change. We continue to give our first allegiance to the Lord but
now our “immediate family” (which used to be you and your parents) now is our
spouse and children.
Practically this means several things,
·
A husband and wife should make
their own decisions about money, child-rearing, jobs, home, and where they
spend holidays. They of course are free to ask for advice from parents but
should not feel obligated to do what the parents “expect”. These are decisions
you should make together.
·
A husband should look for and
cherish the unique characteristics of his wife and not “expect her to be like
mom”. Don’t compare your wife to your mother (or hers!) in the way she cooks,
cleans, talks, earns, are cares for the children. Cherish her as a unique
individual!
·
A wife should look for and
cherish the unique characteristics of her husband and not expect him to be like
her dad. Don’t compare your husband to your dad in terms of his mechanical
ability, his athleticism, his interests, or his earning potential. Cherish him
as the unique person he is.
·
We should turn first to our
spouse (not our parents) to meet our needs and to solve problems. Your spouse
may not be as competent as your parents or other family members but they should
be given the chance to develop competency.
·
We should speak well of our
spouse in front of our parents. We should be the biggest cheerleader for our
spouse . . . especially with our family.
Now these principles do not just apply to family.
It also applies to friends, co-workers and siblings. When we get married we
develop a new “primary relationship” that, apart from our relationship with the
Lord, is the most significant relationship of our life.
When we get married we must be willing to adjust to
new ways of doing things. We are a new team and we must learn and develop our
unique strengths. Too many marriages have been strained because parents (who
only want what is best for their children) or friends are hindering the
development of the relationship.
A quick word to parents. One of the jobs we have as
parents is to help our children build their own home, to live within their own
budgets, and to learn how to do things their own way.
Sometimes this means allowing them to do something
we may think is unwise. We need to be willing to let them make their own
mistakes. We will always love, pray for and support our children but we must
also take a step back.
Unite
There is a second part of this command. We are to
leave our mother and father and be joined or united to our wives. This is not
just about a legal document. This is about commitment and devotion. The word
used her contains the idea of “sticking to his wife.” It is the image of passion,
permanence, and the commitment required of marriage.
Be careful here! The goal is not just to become
committed to the sanctity of marriage . . . we are to become committed to our
spouse. It’s the difference between saying, “I will not end this relationship
because I don’t believe in divorce” and “I won’t want to end the relationship
because I am committed to you.” Which of those statements conveys love? Which
statement honors your spouse and will more likely result in a healthy
relationship?
Think about someone who works in a research lab.
There are many frustrating days of failed expectations in these labs. There are
days when things go horribly wrong. But these people do not usually quit their
job when this happens. They come back the next day, and the next. They keep
working. They know that if they keep working one day they will learn something
that will help them develop or learn things that will be life-altering.
We must approach marriage the same way. On the days
when the lab work doesn’t go very well we don’t walk away . . . we evaluate, we
learn and we keep working. We keep working toward God’s design for marriage. Practically
this means we resist the urge to stray to the arms of someone else (either sexually
or emotionally). It means in the hard
times (due to finances, health, child-raising, emotional stresses or anything
else), we hang on and dig deeper. In other words it means we are committed to facing
problems together.
Is this easy? Of course not. It’s not easy for you and
(believe it not) for your spouse. Marriage is not about marrying the right
person it is about BEING the right person. When we marry we don’t know what
trials await. We say we are uniting “for better or worse for richer or poorer”.
If we mean those words we must establish deep roots. True love is a decision
more than a feeling.
Become
One Flesh
The oneness that results from marriage is not just
physical (though it involves that), it is also spiritual and emotional. True
oneness comes when we are connected in all three areas. Sexual attraction may draw people together at
first but a relationship that is only physical is weak and shallow. The
physical part of a relationship is important but it is only one dimension. Like
a table with only one leg . . .a marriage that is one dimensional will have
trouble standing and keeping its balance.
When oneness happens a couple will find that they can
often complete each other’s sentences. They find themselves thinking the same
thing at the same time. They relish the times of intimacy but they also love
the companionship of just being together. They can communicate through a tone
of voice, a slightly raised eyebrow or the movement (or non-movement) of the
lips.
When two people are truly one, they combine their
unique strengths to become something greater than they could ever be alone. They
discover a depth of love the secular world does not understand. Rather than run
from one shallow relationship to the next these people learn what it means to
set down deep roots.
Jesus ties it all up saying, “What God has joined
together, let not man separate.” When we ask God to sanctify our covenant of
marriage He declares us to be one and intends for that relationship to last for
the rest of our life together. The contemporary notion that says, “if things
don’t work out we can always get a divorce” is not a Biblical approach to
marriage. God gives us no escape clause.
Don’t miss the warning in these words: do not
violate the marriage covenant! It is a
warning that we should not give our best to someone else. It is a warning that
we should stay away from another person’s marriage (even if they say they are
so “unhappy”).
BUT .
. . .
When Jesus spoke these words to the crowd the
Pharisees who were standing there said,
7 “Why then,” they asked, “did
Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her
away?”
8 Jesus replied, “Moses
permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was
not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who
divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman
commits adultery.”
The Pharisees ask the same question that many
people ask today, “But what about divorce?” Jesus’ answer to this question is
one with which everyone wrestles. Let me make two observations.
First, Jesus said the problem with failed marriages
is not with the institution of marriage, it is with the hearts of men. Moses
did not prescribe divorce in
Deuteronomy 24, he sought to regulate what was taking place. It is a sad fact
that men are sinful. As a result some marriages are entered into foolishly or
sinfully. Some marriages are hamstrung by selfishness, pettiness, and abuse of
various kinds. This is not a problem with marriage . . . it is a problem with
sin.
Second, Jesus warns us that divorce should never be
entered into quickly. The person who divorces their spouse and then marries
another may feel that everything is fine because they are legally divorced.
Jesus says, in effect, just because the courts say you are no longer married it
does not mean that God has absolved us of the promises we made before Him.
Therefore if we remarry, we are committing adultery in God’s eyes. I think the
point is not that divorced people can never remarry as much as it is that
people should not quickly enter into divorce. We should make every effort to
save our marriage and fulfill the promises we declared before the Lord.
Having said this let’s acknowledge that there are
times when divorce happens. There are times when divorce may even be necessary.
When a person considers remarriage after divorce two things should be kept in
mind.
1. Divorce is a relationship failure. Before entering into a new marriage
time should be taken to carefully examine that led to the failure of the
relationship and then correct those mistakes (such as marrying someone who was
not a believer) before ever considering remarriage.
2. Divorce is not the unpardonable sin. It is a sin because we have not
fulfilled our vows to each other but, like all other sin, those who repent (who
are truly sorry . . . rather than just looking for a way out so they can do
something different) can be forgiven. Jesus died for those who are divorced as
much as for everyone else. Consequently, I believe it is possible to begin
again.
CONCLUSIONS
You don’t become a musician without long hours of
practice. You don’t become a craftsman without learning from mistakes. You
don’t become a good speaker without learning your subject and understanding
people. You do not become a good athlete without devoting yourself to endless
hours of practice. You get good at something because you work at it. A good
marriage happens the same way.
Gary Thomas has written a great book called Sacred
Marriage. The subtitle of the book is a question: “What if God gave us marriage
not to make us happy, but to make us holy?” It’s a powerful question. Is it
possible that God designed the relationship between a man and a woman to be a
laboratory in which we could learn about faith? Is it possible that marriage
was designed to bring us a deeper joy than any other relationship in life so
that we would be drawn to the deepest relationship of all – our relationship
with God?
All throughout the Bible marriage is a metaphor
used to describe God’s relationship with us. Practically speaking this means
that if we want to really understand what it means to love someone, if we want
to understand what commitment involves we only need to study the way God cares
for us and then act that way toward our spouse.
Marriage is hard . . . especially today. All around
us people are telling us not to waste our time. They tell us that we “deserve
better” than what we are getting from our spouse. They urge us to ignore God’s
Boundaries and just “have a good time”. It’s a tempting offer. However it is a
call to settle for that which is superficial. Though the world calls us to
pursue pleasure, God calls us to experience love.
Let me give you some simple suggestions to help you
build a stronger relationship.
1. Develop your relationship with the Lord Jesus. As you experience His love
and learn to trust Him more fully, you will better understand what it means to
love someone else.
2. Determine today that you are going to stop zeroing in on the failures of
your spouse and instead you are going to begin thanking God for the gifts and
strengths of your spouse. If you think there are not good traits I encourage
you to think back to when you agreed to marry. What did you see that made you
want to commit your life to this person? Work hard to see those things clearly
once again.
3. Take and honest look at your heart and see if you have given your
allegiance to someone or something other than your spouse. If you have done so,
then confess that fact to the Lord (and to your spouse) and work on “leaving”
and “uniting” once again. Re-commit yourself to your mate.
4. Take an objective look at your life. What might you be doing that sends
the message that you no longer care about your mate? Eliminate those things.
5. Take your eyes off of yourself and find delight in bringing joy and fulfillment
to your spouse. Remind yourself that you honor God when you give of yourself to
your mate.
Some people foolishly think God can’t help their
marriage. He can. He can rebuild what is broken and he can heal hurts. God designed marriage to be something
fulfilling and wonderful. If you will pursue your marriage His way He can help
you find something the world cannot duplicate and will never understand.
©Copyright February 14, 2010 by Rev. Bruce Goettsche