Graveside
Service for Nathan Cokel
March 27, 2010
[Obituary
which was not read at the service]
Nathan Victor Cokel,
age 27 of Burlington, Iowa, died at 8:42 a.m. Tuesday March 23, 2010 in
Burlington. He was born May 6, 1982 in Carthage, Illinois, the son of Jerry and
Janice Neff Cokel.
Nathan was a 2001 graduate of Southern High School in Stronghurst. He had been employed at COBO International in
West Burlington for the past four years. He loved fishing and trap shooting. He
had played in a softball league at the West Burlington RecPlex.
He enjoyed photography, socializing, family gatherings and trips with his uncle
Chuck. He especially loved his nieces and nephews and his two dogs- Harley and
Cooper.
Survivors include his mother and stepfather- Janice
Neff and Darrell Link of Stronghurst, his father and stepmother
- Jerry and Bonnie Cokel of Media, IL., one brother -
Jerame (Brooke) Cokel of Altona, IL., three sisters - Amy Cokel
of Peoria, IL., Melinda (Derek) Perry of Galesburg, IL., Rachael (Tony) Gibb of
Stronghurst, three step brothers - Paul and Ben
Miller of Burlington, Michael (Maggie) Link of Blandinsville,
IL., two step sisters- Denise Williams of Little, York, IL., Natalie (Paul)
Britt of Wyanet, IL., two step grandmothers- Betty
Link of LaHarpe, IL., and Betty Butts of Media, IL.,
and several nieces, nephews, and close friends. He was preceded in death by one
brother in infancy-Alexander J. Cokel and his
grandparents.
**************
We
gather this morning very much aware of the tragic death of Nathan Victor Cokel. We find ourselves filled with pain, confusion,
perhaps a little anger, some guilt and a truckload of sadness. Words cannot
take away these feelings. We cannot answer the many questions that all start
with the word “Why?”
It is easy to be so overwhelmed by how Nathan died that
we forget how he lived. This morning we want to say some things that need to be
said, but more importantly we want to remember the vibrant life that Nathan
lived. Let’s ask God for His help.
Father we bow before you in our confusion and our pain.
We ask for your comfort and your strength. We also ask You
to help us remember the life that Nathan lived. Remind us of what we have to be
grateful for even in the midst of our sadness. We ask this in Jesus name. Amen.
Nathan was usually wearing a smile. He enjoyed life and
while so many of us grow up and lose that sense of wonder, Nathan never did. He
was as happy catching a fish through the ice as an adult as he would have been
as a child. If the kids were playing on a trampoline .
. Uncle Nathan would soon be jumping on it too.
When the kids were enjoying the bounce house Uncle Nathan made it even
more fun when he joined them.
If we were to poll people today we would find a large
group who considered Nathan to be their “best friend”. He was a loyal guy who
liked to have fun and would do anything for you.
Nathan had a special relationship with his brother Jerame. When they were young they were constantly fighting
(Nathan was kind of “mouthy” when he was younger) but they also loved each
other. As they got older they always “had each other’s back”. If you went after
one of them you were going to have to deal with both of them. They became the
best of friends. They loved to work side by side either on Jerame’s
home or Nathan’s home (doing siding, flooring, roofing, insulation, or
landscaping) or Jerame’s car or Nathan’s car. Each of
them knew that they could call on the other for any problem they might be
having. They were in synch with each other (although it should be noted that
Nathan was good at “keeping score” if he spent more time helping his brother
than his brother helped him, then Nathan would remind him with words such as
“Remember the time . . . “) The two boys worked hard and long together and
cherished every minute.
Jerame and
Nathan also had great fun together. Whether it was trying to tip a canoe with
their dad or pulling a toboggan with a snowmobile or going out on the jet ski and whipping an inner tube around behind it. They
loved having fun.
When Jerame got married to
Brooke it was like Nathan was giving his brother away. The tears revealed how
special Jerame was to Nathan. It wasn’t that he didn’t
want him marrying Brooke; it was that he knew this was a new transition in
their relationship with each other. Many people rightly think of Jerame and Nathan as a team.
Nathan loved his mom, his dad, his sister, his brother, his
step parents, his step brothers and sisters, his nieces and nephews, aunts and
uncles, and he loved his dogs Harley and Cooper. He was a family kind of guy. He had great
friends. Nathan could get along with children or people who were elderly. He
would be comfortable in any setting. It didn’t matter. He was warm and caring
no matter who you were.
Nathan was protective of his family. When Aunt Carol was
with them on the river she fell behind in her tube and Nathan paddled back to her just to
make sure she wasn’t alone.
He was a tender-hearted guy. He was always aware of
others. He gave great gifts because gift giving to him was not the fulfilling
of an obligation; it was an expression of love. He took time to find out what
others wanted and he listened carefully to the things people said to get clues
for gifts. I get the sense that his
willingness to pitch in with whatever you needed help doing was also his way of
showing you that he cared. It didn’t matter how hard (or disgusting) the job
might be, he didn’t complain . . . he pitched in to help until the job was done.
Nathan was real close to his uncle Chuck. They were like
kindred spirits and did many things together.
Nathan always put other people first. He would do
whatever needed to be done and was always willing to help someone with a
project. He wasn’t afraid of hard work. He loved fish and loved setting up fish
tanks. He enjoyed photography, trap shooting, family gatherings and being with
people. He loved life.
He was “frugal” yet generous. He hated spending money he
didn’t have to spend. If he ever had to borrow money he wouldn’t rest until he
paid it back (and expected others to do the same when he lent them money). He
paid his bills on time. He had a solid (and refreshing) work ethic. He did his
job at COBO and always sought to do it well. He was a man of integrity and
character.
Because of his tender heart he didn’t want to burden
people. These last six months he didn’t feel right. He knew something was wrong
because he was having trouble focusing. Somewhere in his confused thinking on
Monday night and early Tuesday morning I am sure that Nathan thought he was
helping others by taking his own life.
There will always be some people who believe that a
person who commits suicide cannot go to Heaven. Suicide is never a good idea
but matters of eternity are left to God to decide.
The Bible says there is an unpardonable sin. But that unpardonable sin is not suicide, it
is the ultimate and final rejection of God’s offer of forgiveness and new life
in Christ. So, if suicide is not the
“un-pardonable sin” then it must be “pardonable”. It must be something that God can forgive.
Suicide is generally an impulsive, illogical act. Often the person who commits suicide has lost
the ability to think rationally. They can’t see beyond the problem. They don’t consider repercussions. Some people who commit suicide actually feel
that the act of suicide will help them feel better when they carry on their
life tomorrow. Most people who take their own life would not have done so if
they had waited 24 hours. They are not thinking straight.
We know that the man who took his own life on Tuesday morning was not the real Nathan Cokel. This was not the same man who spent his life
thinking about others. He would never
hurt someone, especially his family. He would never leave his dogs. For this one night Nathan wasn’t thinking
straight. God will not condemn Nathan simply
because he “lost perspective ”.
We do not believe a person with Alzheimers
is cast off by God because they begin doing inappropriate things. We do not
think someone with a brain tumor is cast aside by God because their personality
changes and they become mean. We do not condemn the person with hardening of
the arteries who starts swearing and doing inappropriate things. These people are not themselves. We believe God
understands. In the same way God understands what was going on with Nathan. He
was not himself.
Heaven and Hell is determined by a person’s relationship
with Jesus Christ. The truth is, we do not know what
kind of relationship Nathan had with God. We will never know what happened in
those last hours of his life.
The thing that makes suicide so hard to live with is all
the unanswered questions.
1.
Why did this happen?
2.
Could I have done something to prevent it?
We ask the questions, but there is no way to find
the answers. And that is the problem: we
can’t find answers to these questions.
You have a choice as to how you will respond. Some people cope by blaming They blame
other people (if you hadn’t done this . . . this wouldn’t have happened). They blame themselves ( If I hadn’t done,
said, not done, not said this or that, if I had been a better friend,
co-worker, parent, this wouldn’t have happened. ) Or they blame God. “Why didn’t God do
something? Why didn’t God prevent
this?”
Blame is an attempt to make sense of something that
doesn’t make sense. It isn’t helpful and
usually it is destructive. We don’t have
all the facts. And we will never have
all the facts. This is the time to pull
together rather than tear each other, and ourselves, apart.
Other people become bitter and withdraw. They shut down emotionally. They resist love because loving brings the
risk of loss. They withdraw from life and faith. Some spend the rest of their life trying to
numb themselves from pain with alcohol and drugs. These people run away from life. It’s another poor choice (not much different
than suicide) and it just compounds the problem. When we isolate ourselves from
others we may spare ourselves pain but we also rob ourselves of the joy of
love.
The better way is the way of faith and trust. There is one book in the Old Testament that I
always turn to in times of confusion, and that is the book of Job.
The book of Job is the story about a very good and godly
man (named Job) who loses everything. In
a short period of time his business is destroyed and his employees are killed,
his ten children were killed in a tornado, and his body was filled with disease
and pain. Wave after wave of tragedy
overwhelms him. Each new messenger to
the city brings more bad news.
To Job’s credit, he didn’t turn away from the Lord. He said, “Naked I came from the womb and
naked I will return. . . .the Lord gives, and the Lord
takes away.” Job tried to hang on.
Job’s friends suggested that Job was being punished by
God (which is often what people think when something bad happens. Don’t we often ask, “What have I done to
deserve this?”).
The more they talked, the more confused Job became. Job said, “If only I could plead my case
before God . . . if only God would explain things to me.”
Let’s face it, wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t it be great if God would just make explain
everything to us?
The book of Job is a long and sometimes tedious book to
read. And at the end of the book, God does
make an appearance! And
said to Job, “I understand you have some questions for me. But before I answer your questions, I want to
ask a few of my own.”
God then began with a machine gun like series of questions.
When God finished, Job recognized there were lots of questions he did not have
the answers for and he apologized to God.
He said, “I’m sorry, I should have known better than to doubt Your wisdom and Your love.”
And that’s how the book ends! God never answered the questions of Job! He never explained why He allowed the
hardship He allowed. In essence God was
saying to Job, “There are some things I can’t explain to you because you can’t
understand yet. You need to trust what you know about me. Trust my character,
trust my love for you. Hang on to what you know is true.”
I think this is the same thing God would say to us today.
In this time of heartache I sense God saying, “I know you don’t
understand. I know this doesn’t make any
sense. I wish I could explain it all to
you . . . but you unable to understand what happened. It is more complex than you can grasp. So,
for now, “Trust me.”
God has created a marvelous world for our enjoyment. He
has demonstrated His love for us in the life and work of Jesus. He loved us
enough to send Christ to suffer unspeakable horrors and die a cruel death . . .
so that we might have the opportunity to be forgiven. He brought Christ back
from the dead to show that it wasn’t all a scam.
God loves us. God loves Nathan. I don’t for a second
believe God wanted Nathan to commit suicide, but for
some reason beyond my comprehension He also didn’t stop him.
I wish we had more.
I wish we had answers to our questions.
I wish we could turn back the clock. I wish we had one more conversation
with Nathan. But we don’t. What you do
have is each other, you do have a God who loves you greatly, you do have
Nathan’s example of joyful living. Focus on what you have, not on what you have
lost.
I
encourage to keep the cherished pictures in your mind
Instead
of fixating on his death; give thanks for his life.
Let’s pray together,
Our Father, we would rather be anywhere but here today.
We just don’t understand. We ask you to
draw us close, to grant us your comfort, to help us to trust you. Lord, there
is such a hole left in this family. We
know it cannot be filled, only endured. Please give the strength that’s needed.
Lord we
ask that you wrap your arms around Nathan. Grant Him your
grace and mercy. Give him that peace that he longed for. Help him to
understand what a wonderful impact he made on our lives.
Remind us
often of the life that Nathan lived. Inspire us by his example even as you
comfort us in his loss. We ask all of
this in Jesus name. Amen.